Greetings All ~
I have always considered myself an independent person. But having a recently cleared schedule has given me the time to look more closely at this idea of myself. Quite frankly, I have come to doubt it. I see I have spent a good portion of my life relying on obligations to, assignments from or collaborations with others.
Now I am on my own, so to speak. A schedule is mine to make and, more importantly, mine to keep. My schedule used to be dictated by work and activities around raising the kids. After I left the workplace, I pursued the lifestyle and career of a Kundalini Yoga teacher. Much of my activity was assigned to me by teachers and the teachings: meditations, yoga sets, service, classes, etc. Now it is solely up to me. Each day, I am the one to determine what I practice, or if I even practice at all. I am the one to look around my environment and see what's to be done next. I am the one to decide whether I pick up my guitar and work on some music.
I spent some time in the Scientology world, and one of the bits I picked up and kept is, "Production is the basis of morale." I know this to be true, having observed myself and others sink into apathy when nothing is accomplished. The pandemic lockdown lifestyle didn't help much either. Though I was still teaching at the time (a major saving grace), much of my "spare time" was spent binge-watching whatever was supposed to be popular. I don't even remember half the stuff I saw. Not exactly a morale booster.
I made it my business to not bring TV with me to my new place. (For those who don't know, I moved in mid-August). Selling the old place and buying a new one was supposedly a big thing. But it seemed to go suspiciously smoothly. It hasn't been as hard as it was held up to be. Organizing and arranging the new place with an eye to paring down to the useful, has been a good aesthetic meditation. And that continues.
This transition into a non-schedule has led me into stormy confrontation with Self-Accountability. The most practical concept of karma I have heard is one from Guru Dharam Singh Khalsa. It is that karma is neither good nor bad. Karma is the things we said we'd do, but didn't. The Universe is non-judgmental and says, "It's OK. You'll just do it in the next life." That got me off the hook for awhile, and maybe a bit too relaxed. It played into my tendencies of laziness and procrastination. Now I'm looking at unkept agreements. They are mostly those I made to myself. Having to account to someone else was easier. And I wanted to please or not get in trouble. I wanted to show them my best self.
But when it comes to Self-Accountability and showing my best self to me? Not so successful. How many times have I said, "Ooo! I really like that meditation. I'm gonna do it for 40 days," and then didn't. How often have I promised to exercise more, eat a better diet, do more volunteer work, etc. and then didn't? And these proclamations go back.
There are some unkept promises to others, but when I examine the truth of it, most of them were made to me. This is not a confession, merely an observation. The "why" of it is certainly something else to examine. And I'm confident the knowledge will come as I catch up with completions and heal the broken promises I made.
Showing me my Best Self.
But I'm not promising anything!
All Good Things,
Vicky Rose