Greetings All ~
This last week I received phone calls from a couple different people who were upset for similar reasons. They found themselves behaving in ways that they didn't like. They had reacted in anger to family members after they'd told themselves they would do better. They were struggling with the idea that they had fallen back into a pattern of behavior they thought they had broken. In each case, they felt they'd left the "anger response" behind. They had expected more from themselves and were woefully disappointed.
Let's just start with the fact that family members are the best at poking and provoking such situations. It's their karmic assignment. I know that my hardest and most profound lessons have come from interactions with my parents, spouses, siblings or children. Even friends or colleagues who are "like family" can illicit words I'd rather not have said or actions I wish I hadn't taken.
These reactions are supposedly built-in and can be rewired by any number of processes if change is desired. I've used several different methods in my life. I stopped substance abuse by using 12-step programs. I spent time in Scientology to identify previous life patterns that were rippling through to this one. I studied and practiced yogic meditations and pranayama to re-pattern my subconscious mind into "new and improved" patterns. And all of these methods are merely the installation of different patterns.
There's a game called Jenga where you stack blocks to build a tall tower. In the game, players take turns alternately removing pieces one at a time. Eventually the tower falls. The person who pulls out the piece that collapses the tower is the loser. Some of us build a pattern of behavior, like the Jenga tower, and cling to it. The single guru, strict diets, or a reliance on a religion or philosophy can all become patterns that trap; that actually block the change or growth originally sought. Life becomes their Jenga stack. They go through it thinking, "Don't touch a thing!" fearful that if one key piece is removed it'll all fall down and they'll lose the game. But will they? All the pieces are still there and there's an infinite amount of time to rebuild and start another game. That's my belief anyway.
Just when I think I have something knocked, that old pattern will rear its ugly head. It happens to all of us, I think. Then we find a different structure, a new pattern to work with. It's relevant for awhile. Then the tower falls, or we figure it's not working and we find another. It's the seeker in us. That's the Soul's bigger pattern.
I still struggle with addictive behaviors. It's taken me 60 years to see the connection between TV and overeating or that my lack of patience is a direct correlation to my fear that acting with compassion is a weakness. But I'm trying my best to stop judging myself when my Jenga stack falls. I'm doing my best to not fear the person—usually me—or the incident that could cause collapse.
No disappointment, no grief (and that's a hard pattern to break, too). It's not the drudgery of having to start again...it's the adventure getting to start again. So much more fun!
Love to hear about your experiences with patterns in your own life. Drop me a line.
All Good Things,